To the One I Love
by The Meaning Of Haste
Summary: MWPP time. When Sev decides to tell to one he loves his feelings he is rejected and must find a way to deal with it. PG13 for lang. and self harm.


To the One I Love 

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters but the poem is MINE and so is Ayra

Severus Snape looked out across the green lawn for nothing really in particular, just a place to sit down and rest. He saw a tree with plenty of shade up by the lake and decided it would be fine, so grabbing a book he walked over. Not letting his eyes leave his book his vision was blocked by him raven hair hanging around his face, while his feet led him to the lake. He pulled his nose out of his book when he reached the tree and sat down against it.

He leaned against the tree and closed his eyes. When they closed he saw a girl, she had raven hair like his but it was straight and went down to her mid back. She turned to look at him and gave a smile that sent invisible shivers through him. As she stood up to walk over to him, his thoughts were interrupted.

"What are you so happy about Snivelus? Besides sitting under our tree?" Came a voice, Severus opened his eyes and gave and inward groan. Standing around him was the Marauders and two additions. He looked around at them James of course was standing by Lily Evans, since they had finally after seven years of arguments gotten together. When he looked at the other addition he gave a quiet gulp. There standing hand in hand with Sirius Black was the girl from his dream and thoughts, Ayra Swoger.

Severus Snape had loved Ayra since their second year. Ayra was always poliet to him whenever they met by nodding hello in the halls or greeting him in the morning. She had always been kind to him, treated him like a human, but they were never what anyone would call friends. She was in Ravenclaw and extremely intelligent, taking all N.E.W.T level courses. She was often found in the library studying or just reading, on occasion, the two would sit together in silence. And like many guys Severus Snape thought she was beautiful. She had long raven hair that was often down, seeing that she didn't care much what she looked like. According to Snape her smile was perfect it was white and always heartfelt. Whenever he was on the receiving end of that smile or even saw it across the room it always disgusted him at how weak it made him feel. But her eyes were very different, they were a deep shade of purple, making them very enchanting when she looked at you with them.

"Well Snivy?" Sirius said bringing him back around.

"Bugger off Black," he growled in return.

"Oh, my we have a temper today," Sirius mocked with a laugh. "Now be a good little boy and move away from our spot. We wouldn't want you to get grease everywhere."

"Since when was this your personal tree Black?" Snap spat out.

"You should know we're always here Snap. We've kicked you away many a time." James said, ignoring the glare he got from Lily.

"I can sit under what ever bloody tree I want," he snapped back, desperate not to be made a fool in front of Ayra.

"You always were a bit daft weren't you Snivy?" James asked not caring about an answer. Receiving a glare James continued," You always try to stand up to us. It's so cute, but really quite bothersome."

"Come on Prongs, there's at least fifty other trees that we could be sitting under, and over half of them are bigger and have better shade. Come on, leave Snape alone," Remus said, getting frustrated at his best friends constantly badgering Snape whenever he was in view.

Severus had never felt so grateful for Remus before as Sirius and James glared at him than at Remus, then back a him, and finally walked away.

"You're no fun Moony," Sirius accused as he walked with his friends and his arm around Ayra's waist. Severus heard Remus sigh in response and turned back to look at the lake in front of him.

Banging his head against the tree he groaned. Sirius was with Ayra. Of course she was with Sirius, she was the prettiest girl in their year and he was the most attractive guy. They both had charm, Sirius just didn't show it to Snape. Severus groaned and put a hand to his now aching head. This girl was causing him no much pain, it had all been mentally and emotionally but now it was physically. Snape let out a frustrated growl and threw a rock as hard as he could in to the lake. The rock soon came back out, held by a large tentacle. The giant squid chucked the stone back at him with amazing force, hitting him in the kneecap. He let out a string of curses as he rubbed his now stinging knee.

Leaning carefully against the tree he pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. He had decided to tell Ayra how he really felt. The worst that could happen would be that she really hated him, told the Marauders and they made his life hell about it. But even he could deal with that. Setting his mouth in to a thin line he began to write.

_Dear Ayra,_

_I have always admired you,_

_Your beauty and your grace._

_But when you went with him,_

_My heart stung._

_Now I am sitting here,_

_Black hair falling in my face_

_Alone_

_You've always been there for me,_

_Even when I act my worst._

_I tremble at the thought,_

_That my tongue turned you away._

_I always try to calm it whenever you're around_

_But it always reigns farther away when you come near._

_No matter how you feel,_

_My heart will never change._

_Though you will most likely leave me,_

_Your memories never will._

_Now that you've read my thoughts,_

_And you know how I really feel._

_I must leave you here with him,_

_For he's better than I could ever be._

_Be happy and forget me,_

_It's better that way._

_But while I have your thoughts,_

_For it's the only time I will,_

_I love you._

_Yours truly,_

Here Severus paused, and sucked on the end of his Never-Ending-Ink quill. Should he sign his name? He re-read through his poem and grimaced. It had all his feelings, all the ones that he hated to feel. He gave a sigh and scribbled down his signature.

Severus Snape 

He rolled the letter up and sealed it, then let out a low whistle. In a few seconds a sleek black owl flew down to him and landed lightly on his hurt knee. He winced but did not make it move, for as soon as this letter was sent Orion would be his only friend. He reached out and tied on the letter. "Orion, give this to Ayra. But don't give it to her until she's alone. I don't want that git to see it. Come back before she opens it, I don't want I response, even is she wants to give me one."

Orion nipped affectionately at his master and flew off in search of the recipient of his letter. The weight of the owl flying off his knee felt marvelous but watching Orion fly away with his heart on his scaly leg made him have second thoughts. Severus quickly erased them from his mind thought with skill that he had only from practice. And fell asleep against the tree.

Eeee

The wind picked up and the sun began to set, casting an orange-red glow over the sky, but Severus slept on. Everyone was heading up into the great hall for Sunday dinner, when Ayra rushed out of the castle and looked wildly around the grounds. Her hair was blowing around her face and her eyes were red from tears. When she spotted her target she rushed down the hill, clutching a piece of paper in her hand.

She rushed over to the tree that Severus lay sleeping against. She came to a stop and called his name quietly. He didn't stir and she realized that he was sleeping. Kneeling down to his height she leaned up close to him and planted a kiss on his forehead. His eyes sprang open and she pulled away in shock. He growled softly and grabbed his bag as he stood up. He made to leave without out acknowledging her presence.

"Severus wait!" She called as he strolled moodily up the lawn. She was not supposed to confront him after that letter. She was just supposed to read it and forget all about him. And now she was here trying to get his attention so she could tell him how sorry she was.

"Why should I?" He barked and kept up his quick pace.

"Severus Snape!" She said frustrated, she jogged up to him and grabbed his elbow and stopped him. He tried to wrench his arm out of her grasp but she held on with amazing force.

"What? What could you possibly have to say to me now? I know what you're going to say. You're sorry but you don't feel like that, I know so leave me alone," he growled.

"You're right Severus. I don't love you back, but only because you never give me a chance to. You push me away all the time. Now you're doing it again. You just want to be left alone so fine. That''s exactly what I'll do," she snapped back, tears welling in her already red eyes.

Snape was at loss of what to say but did not let it show. "Fine, just go," he snapped back and she turned to walk away, tears now falling freely. She was a few paces away when she stopped and turned back to look at him thoughtfully. She walked back to him and stopped, inches away from his face. He gulped thinking she would slap him for his insensitivity. When she raised her hand it reminded him of his father's abuse and he flinched slightly. Instead of hurting him she wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled his head down. She kissed him gently then before he could respond she pulled away. She looked at him again and slapped him lightly on the arm. She walked away without looking back.

Watching her leave he beat himself mentally for being such a git to her earlier. "Damn it!" He said to himself and now very mad, he walked up to the castle. Instead of walking to the Slytherin common room her walked up to Gryffindor's and sat outside the entrance waiting for Ayra to come back. He was planning on apologizing at the least, even though he knew she would never forgive him. Maybe if he was lucky Black and Potter would come along and end his misery for him.

Soon after he had sat down on the cold, stone floor he heard laughing voices echoing off the walls. He groaned, Sirius and James were coming back up with Remus and James behind. Most likely Lily and Ayra would be with them, which was only worse. All six of the people he did not want to see came walking up did, and stopped in surprise of seeing him there.

"Get lost Snivellus?" James asked with a raised eyebrow. Severus remained silent and starred at the ground. "Earth to Snape," James said snapping in front of the boy's face.

"Back of Potter," Severus retorted quietly, and without his usual vigor. "I haven't been sitting here for half an hour to see you."

"Oh, Snivy was waiting on someone!" Sirius mocked. "Well now who was are little Romeo waiting for?" He asked receiving a laugh.

Severus glared at his feet again and Ayra gave a sigh and stepped forward. "He was waiting for me Siri," she said frustrated and still unforgiving at the chip he had caused in her heart.

"HE WAS WHAT?" Sirius roared, walking over and yanking Severus up by the neck of his robes. "Why were you waiting for Ayra?" He growled menacingly.

"I had to apologize," Severus said quietly, hoping they wouldn't hear, Unfortunately they all heard and looked curiously at the two.

"Why in the name of Merlin would you have to apologize to her?" Sirius growled again. If he had done anything to hurt her…

"Because…because I was a jerk," He confessed, daring to shoot a glance at Ayra. She glared back at him as if to say 'yes you bloody well were.'

Before anyone could say anything Sirius hauled back his arm and punched Severus in the jaw as hard as he could, knocking him onto the ground.. "Stay… away…from her…" He said panting. He then linked arms with Ayra again and walked to the portrait, kicking him in the gut as he went. Ayra shot him a look that was a mix between hatred and pity. The two things that he hated the most. James and Lily followed them, with Peter tagging behind as usual.

Remus however stopped and held his hand out for him. Severus looked up at him, slightly confused. "Don't worry, I'm just gonna help you up," Remus said in defense. Severus shrugged and excepted the help. "Come on, I'll take you to Madame Pomfrey," Remus said. Severus didn't want the help but knew he needed him. Noticing that Severus could barely walk Remus threw his arm around his shoulder to help support him.

They walked the halls slowly in silence for awhile before Remus spoke. "Severus, I know about what happened out there," he said quietly.

Severus' head snapped up and looked at him. "W-what…H-how?" he stammered, feeling rather scared. Had she gone and told all her friends about this? How long would it be before he was attacked by more angered Gryffindors and disgusted Slytherins?

"She pulled me aside during dinner. She was really upset. Don't worry I wont tell a sole. But I suspect that Sirius is probably hearing the whole story right now," Remus explained quietly.

Severus cursed then looked at the boy that had helped make his life hell before now. "Let me go," he said firmly. "I'm not going to the hospital wing." He shrugged off Remus' supportive arm and limped outside into the rain that was now falling heavily. Remus watched him limp away thoughtfully but decided following him would only make things worse.

When Severus had made it down the stone steps and onto the soggy grounds he collapsed, clutching his aching stomach. Reaching into his robes he pulled out a small pocketknife along with his wand. Flipping open the blade he cast a sharpening charm on it and stuffed his wand back into his robes. Setting the knife gingerly on the ground he rolled up the sleeve of his left arm. Severus placed the blade on his wrist but did not cut. Tears began spilling down his face, blending in with the rain. He pressed down lightly but then stopped and cried harder, sobs raking his body. The sobs made his hand shake and cut the skin lightly on his wrist. The stinging rushed over him, knocking out all common sense and he pushed it in harder. The feeling of blood flowing onto his wet hand brought him back to consciousness. The stinging pain was unbearable and he thrust the bloody knife angrily into the ground. He clasped his bleeding wrist with his hand and hunched over crying. As he got his sobs under control he turned his face up into the dark sky and prayed.

"_Our father who art in heave,_

_Hallowed be thy name_

_Thy kingdom come_

_Thy will be done_

_On earth as it is in heaven_

_Give us this day our daily bread_

_And forgive us our sins… "_

Here he paused knowing that in no way he should be forgiven and that his spot in hell was surely already reserved. He breathed in deeply and continued.

"_As we forgive those who have sinned against us._

_And lead us not into temptation_

_But deliever us from evil_

_For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever_

Amen" 

Eeee

A/N: Hey! Wow I made Sevvy pretty depressed didn't I. I feel bad now. Poor Severus. Well please review even though I made him a bad guy. Happy New Year! I hope your year turns out better than Severus'…

The Meaning of Haste


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